Lessons Learned from My Frequent Practice of Plus/Delta (Part 2)

At the end of all my coaching calls and personal interviews I make it a practice to invite feedback. As I’ve already noted in the previous blog, this practice is most valuable and how I keep growing as a professional…Here are some of the amazing things I have learned that I would have walked right past without this consistent feedback coming from many very different gifted professional leaders.

1. The single most frequent feedback I receive when I request candid feedback on my coaching is that others benefit from the way I listen with both my heart and my mind. (deep, respectful listening) Since 1990 I have been practicing what is called Active Listening. This means to rephrase what you hear mirroring back both fact and feelings to see how accurately you understand the person’s true meaning. So often I am told that I am articulating the speaker’s meaning better than they were able and this has helped them to hear themselves. And other times I learn that I am missing their point and they take another crack at communicating their message.

2. The second most named benefit is to be a safe listener. “Providing a safe place to sort through my feelings and concerns without advice or judgment is very important and helpful.” I have learned never to offer advice. It is far more valuable to learn to ask open ended questions so the person can discover their own answers. I may suggest options but always in the spirit of reminding the person that they will know what is best and to listen first to their intuition. If your intuition responds confidently, then consider the idea. If one’s intuition balks, honor intuition and don’t pursue the idea.

3. The third is helping a person hear, honor and trust their own inner voice and intuition. I can typically help the person hear their own wisdom and sense of which direction to go or not go. If I can help them learn to trust and listen to their own inner wisdom, it will always be there for them and only grow stronger. If I play expert, I encourage dependence on the expert and cripple the person I am seeking to support.

4. The fourth has helped me recognize my gifts as a vulnerable story teller. I often share a personal story, not as an answer but rather as a way of encouraging permission to recognize and forgive the kinds of flaws we all have. To forgive ourselves and others and see mistakes and tragedy as a teacher and opportunity. I seem to do this best by revealing the many really painful, often tragic dimensions of my own life. At this point I realize that every loss has been a valuable teacher and gift in ways I couldn’t discover without first letting go of my anger and victim response. But once I did, I began to see that every loss prepared me for something greater.

There was a time when I was a bit anxious as I waited, fearful of what I might hear. Now I eagerly anticipate whatever is offered. There is no way it can’t be a gift. Worst case scenario I hear that I did badly and have lost trust with my Client. But wouldn’t I rather know this early when I can ask clarifying questions and apologize? I can remember at least one occasion when asking for feedback saved the relationship. I hadn’t realized the poor timing of the call and a heart breaking tragedy that had just been experienced. By asking, I learned that the unthinkable had happened. And I could not only be a safe, empathetic listener but this reaching out on my part earned the trust of a friend and Client for life!