Hi. My name is Ann. I’m an Energy-oholic.

Discovering the Difference between Addictive Energy and Balancing Energy

I have always enjoyed abundant personal energy, as a child and all through my life.  But I have also experienced periods of chronic burnout and have vivid memories of what that feels like.  In 1984 I began studying life/work balance along with my business and research partner, Duane Trammell. I learned how to “engineer” or manage and generate creative energy so that I could enjoy significant abundant energy most days and evenings simply by learning what increases and what drains my energy and by learning how to renew my energy long before I hit empty.  As a result, I have enjoyed years of refreshing energy in all dimensions of my life.

But recently I made a fascinating discovery.  I have been on a journey recovering from breast cancer since late spring of 2010 and which has come with valuable new insights.  I have learned and believe that the body will heal itself if nurtured with ideal conditions for healing and renewal.  Daily exercise, nutritious diet and consistent rest are keys to giving my body maximum opportunity to return to full balance with a particular emphasis on optimal periods of sleep and rest.  Through the early months of this healing journey I experienced my usual high energy and couldn’t equate with a need for extra rest. None the less, I have scheduled in time for nine hours of sleep a night and naps as needed even when I didn’t seem to feel tired.  It was in the midst of recovering from a second challenge of cancer cells returning to the scar tissue of the mastectomy that I awakened to a new awareness.

Garden till You Drop… My Addictive Energy Trap

I was in the middle of 33 radiation treatments and not feeling especially tired or depleted.  I was enjoying my usual weekly activities of daily walks, yoga, engaging meetings with Clients, and high levels of collaboration and creativity with my teammates. My fun activities spilled over to the weekends with my passion for gardening. I always find some new project to dive into on a Saturday or Sunday or both.  Here’s what it might look like.

First, I go to one of my favorite garden nurseries either with a list of plants I want to fill a flower bed or perhaps just to see what’s available.  Regardless of my initial reason for going to the nursery, I typically see new plants and buy significantly more than I had planned.  My rationale is that I love to garden and enjoying a fun hobby produces endorphins which strengthens the immune system.  All this is probably true.  But the plot thickens.

Then, I return home with practically a forest in the back of my car, and of course, I am eager to jump out of the car and start planting.  All this generates tremendous energy as I visualize how lovely the flower beds and water gardens will look when I finish.  I have such a great time in the garden that I push through or ignore any fatigue that I might have. In fact, I’ve literally gardened in 90 or 100 degree heat with no awareness of discomfort because I am having so much fun.  6 or 8 hours later I am sweaty and covered in dirt but deliciously happy.  So after I enjoy a warm bath and maybe a short nap, I am ready to go dancing and enjoy a fun evening.  Does this sound familiar?

What I am slowly realizing is that because of my ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) patterns, I’m energized by doing – I’m not attracted to resting or simply being quiet and contemplative.  Taking a nap or sleeping in feels like I am missing out on life and the thrill of accomplishing any number of projects that I enjoy.  For this reason I err on the side of diving into a multitude of projects and getting lost in the excitement of whatever I set my mind to do.  So what’s the problem?

Practice Makes Perfect… Almost

Intuitively I am slowly wondering if I have fallen into a pattern of subconsciously learning to generate endorphins (much like a runner’s high) which I then interpret as healthy energy and perhaps disguise my need for rest. If I don’t feel tired why rest?  And, as we know from research on runners, the experience of enjoying endorphins can become addictive.  I feel so good and know how to generate that feeling through vigorous exercise.  In turn, I channel that energy to experience the joys of accomplishment and success. Yet as I ponder what might be the most beneficial conditions for my full recovery from cancer, I am suspicious that I am fooling myself with addictive energy and my blind spot is the benefits of balancing energy that come from surrendering into deep rest.

I have had an EmWave biofeedback device for some time which I have never fully put to use.  This is sold by HeartMath and provides feedback on a computer screen to help me know immediately the level of relaxation I am in, ranging from beta (alertness) to middle range to coherence (which is alpha and the state of highest healing).  As I made the decision to practice at least once a day with my EmWave feedback, I was stunned to discover that although I have been meditating for over 20 years, I was not successful at first getting and staying in coherence.  It took several days of focused practice to be able to stay in coherence for the majority of 20 minutes.  And that was at the beginner’s level!

Kicking My Addiction

In my love for doing, the challenge is not only staying in coherence for an extended period of time, it’s the initial act of setting aside time to sit and stare at a computer screen monitoring my alpha and beta levels! It can make lying in bed watching the fan go round and round sound way more productive and exciting. But when I sit and quiet my mind and allow myself to enter into a deep phase of alpha, I am discovering a new sense of renewal that feels very different from what I experience following a vigorous day in the garden.  This peaceful state is much deeper, relaxed and calm, and sleep comes more easily.  I would describe it as a state of surrender.  However, just as an addict has trouble kicking a habit of addiction, I find myself longing for the tremendous pleasure I experience when in the midst of any one of my ambitious projects.  I can mindfully notice the many healing benefits of balancing energy and yet for now that is a distant second to the seductive lure of my addictive energy.  Perhaps this is why kids and adults with ADHD are typically in perpetual motion.  This busy-ness masks the anxiety of other parts of life.  And the rewards of accomplishing are celebrated by our culture whereas the recognition for resting and just hanging out are not highly touted.  Perhaps they are written about by gurus who teach balance and spiritual transformation (and I agree with all this in my logical brain) yet there is a child-like part of me that longs for the invigorating energy and high I get when in the midst of an awesome and physically demanding project.

Freedom and Renewal

All this suggests to me a huge opportunity for a significant breakthrough in how I live my life.  Just as I did 27 years ago by cracking the code so to speak in how to generate and enjoy abundant energy most of my waking hours, now I have the opportunity to transform by learning to balance my activities…the going and doing with the deep, relaxing being.  I know this will require some challenging unlearning on my part and I am up for it.  Each time I have chosen to unlearn unhealthy life style patterns and replace with habits that increase nourishment for mind/body/spirit, I have been rewarded in many ways.  Stay tuned and I’ll be accountable as I take this next fascinating leg of my wellness journey.

By Ann McGee-Cooper