By Ann McGee-Cooper (to VSLLC 2)
I am glad to share this very intimate journey that is unfolding within me as I continue to work with my wellness team of healers to completely recover from cancer. I think of it much like peeling an onion. There seem to be layers of discovery as I let go of layers of false identify on my way to uncovering my essence. As I recovered from a mastectomy I realized that I am not my breast and I can be fully whole and at peace with my left chest now only a flat scar.
I am not my hair. Two weeks into chemotherapy treatments my hair began to fall out in handfuls until it only made sense to brush until only a few sprigs were left. My dear friend, Carol, went wig shopping with me as I felt nude, vulnerable and unable to decide what might work best. My head is large so finding a wig that fits and won’t slip off because it is too small was a challenge. Finally we found a strawberry blonde wig with enough hair to work with my long neck and big head. I do feel a bit ridiculous but with a sense of humor and support from those around me I am discovering that I am not my hair even though I am embarrassed to realize how much of my identity was tied to my thick, long hair.
I am not my figure. As I lost weight I went from an attractive youthful figure to skinny. There is a decided difference. Yet another change.
I am not my energy. I have always enjoyed abundant energy and didn’t think twice about it. Yet now with my blood count low and anemic, some mornings it’s an effort to walk to the kitchen. Yet the essence of me still is very much alive and well, therefore I am not my energy.
I am not my productivity. Always I have been blessed with a joyful and abundant capacity for productivity. I love to team with others and get lots done on my own. Whether it is at my computer, on the phone, with Clients, with family, or in the garden, I just have a ton of fun getting things accomplished. Yet now I have to be very discriminating about where I invest my energy and so much is not “getting done”.
At the same time the first deep freezes have crept over Dallas and my garden is frozen back to the ground. I always grieve for those plants which die back. And then I honor this time of hibernation. Our fish are hibernating in the ponds and a part of nature seems to go to sleep in some ways. It is not “doing nothing” but rather regenerating reserves to evolve into new life in the spring. So perhaps one of my blessings and lessons in this time of chemotherapy and recovery is to appreciate that my body needs a time to rid itself of all the rogue cancer cells and then regenerate a strong immune system. And at the same time my mind/body/spirit needs a time to rest, regroup and transform into a new and more intuitive level of being. I will be listening for my Calling, my new purpose, what I can learn, and how I can benefit from this time to journal, reflect, meditate and go deep. As I realize all that I am not (that used to be the symbols of my selfhood), I am being given a sacred opportunity to discover the precious essence that is the me within me. I am having to experience a great deal of letting go to find this precious essence. Letting go of our traditional family reunion at Thanksgiving, realizing that if I want to protect my fragile immune system while it is depleted then I need to avoid crowds. So for the same reason, we cancelled our three wonderful holiday parties with clients, social friends and neighbors. Giving up all the rush and bustle of shopping, decorating, wrapping, mailing, etc. Needing to save energy for getting well again.
And in this time or renewal and rediscovery I am learning so much. I am astonished and grateful for so many loving, caring friends who are there for me. I am learning to ask for help and finding many eager to step in. I am learning that I give a gift to others when I ask for the help I need. I am learning that I can teach my doctors who are grounded in primarily Western tradional paradigms of healing by sharing some of the non-traditional modalities of Eastern healing I am using with great benefit.
I do identify with the caterpillar going into its chrysalis and then, sometime later, struggling to emerge in a new form. And learning that all the courage and strength required to break free of this self created “tomb” bring new strength for the gift of flight.
I don’t know what’s ahead but I do feel my life unfolding. I know that I am profoundly different and am experiencing everything around me with new eyes, and fresh insight.
The wrappings are fallen away and the spirit set free. A passage to celebrate and for which I give thanks!
My new wig
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
“There is absolutely nothing to fear about tomorrow for God is already there. “
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