By Ann McGee-Cooper
Cup your hand and hold it up so you can see it clearly. Is it convex or concave? You can quickly see that it is both depending on your frame of reference. Now can you imagine two very small people, one standing inside your cupped palm and one standing on the outside, each arguing that they are right yet the other is wrong? “It’s clearly concave!” “Are you crazy? It’s convex and that’s that!” This is how we get stuck frequently, not realizing that a situation is “both/and.” I’ve heard this described as the danger of only one story.
A key skill of Servant Leadership is to slow down and practice keeping an open mind. Is what I think I am hearing the true intent and meaning of the speaker? So often we jump to a conclusion only to discover that we are missing the meaning of the sender. Consider these examples.
– A wife thinks she is helping her husband by giving more details about how to care for a young child; meanwhile, he is feeling belittled and micromanaged. “Don’t you think I have any brains? I can figure this out on my own if you will just leave me alone for a minute!”
– A parent is reminding a teenager to make sure they have everything they need to complete their science project, which is due on Monday. However, the teenager is hearing this gesture of support as nagging rather than as helpful or gently supportive.
– A supervisor provides feedback on a few steps to a technical process that need to be corrected. However, the employee receives this as “being yelled at,” even though the tone of voice was calm and supportive.
– A supervisor steps back to respect a young colleague’s plan to proceed, intending to give room for the person to learn from experience. However, the young colleague feels abandoned and unworthy of the supervisor’s precious time.
Do any of these sound familiar? In today’s fast-paced society it’s not unusual for what you intend to be received in a totally different spirit or way. And then the gap of feeling misunderstood, blamed and not appreciated begins to erode trust between the two, each believing the other is at fault and not slowing down to discover that “what I was intending is not at all what you heard or experienced.”
We often serve as a mediator between different factions who are on the same team yet feel at odds with each other. Typically, as we listen to both sides of the story we hear a gap in what was intended versus what was perceived. So what skills can we work on to bridge this gap BEFORE the trust is lost or damaged?
- The first skill is to learn to recognize and suspend blocking assumptions. It’s so human to jump quickly to a conclusion and not recognize that this is only one assumption and may not be a shared assumption or shared meaning. We also call this “slowing down to go faster.” Ask yourself, “How do I know this to be true? Could I be making an assumption that is way off base?”
- Assume good will. Before assigning blame, practice asking yourself whether you know something to be true or whether you might be missing something? We typically reserve doubt with those we trust and jump to conclusions with someone we know less well. Learning to slow down and delay judgment while giving someone the benefit of doubt is the foundation of high-trust relationshipsand Servant Leadership.
- Active Listening can save the day again and again. Challenge yourself to slow down and reframe what you think you heard, including both fact and feeling. Facts alone may not tell the whole story. Make your best guess at how the other person is feeling about what they are telling you. Even if you, the listener, get this wrong, honoring the other person by sharing your version of what you are hearing allows them to either feel heard accurately or to have an opportunity to enhance or correct their meaning. Often we don’t name our feelings. If you reflect to me that you sense I am disappointed about something that happened and I correct you to say I am feeling distrusted, this gives you the opportunity to go deeper and untangle something that, left unexplored, could rupture trust unnecessarily. And let me confess – this skill takes courage to practice. At first you may feel awkward and clumsy. Yet with practice you will be rewarded time after time as others now feel valued by your thoughtful reflection of what you think you heard before taking the next step. This is a great way to defuse hurt feelings and any potential argument.
- Learning to ask clarifying and non-accusatory questions.
“When you said X, tell me more about what you mean? I’m not sure I am understanding you completely.”
“When you say that you will be late, how late might that be? It will help me to have a more specific time or date so I can be prepared.”
“You sound frustrated. Are you feeling like I let you down or are you just anxious about how we will be able to correct this situation?”
Slowing down to get more insight and information can prevent jumping up a metaphorical ladder of assumptions and moving into blame.
The good news is that when not just you but those around you begin to practice and get comfortable with these basic communication skills, which can prevent and correct misunderstandings BEFORE they do their damage, then less and less time is wasting in finger pointing, blaming and feeling misunderstood. Servant-leaders work to prevent the breakage that is typical when everyone is challenged by a fast pace, multiple responsibilities, conflicting priorities and the potential for miscommunication.
- Perhaps an additional skill to practice is forgiveness of self and others. We will get to going too fast, we will jump to conclusions that are untrue, we will get our feelings hurt or feel misunderstood and all the other breakage that happens when we are under pressure, feeling overwhelmed and communicating as succinctly as possible. Learn to apologize, forgive and turn the page. Not hanging on to hurt is essential if your goal is to enjoy high trust and seamless collaboration.
The other reward for growing as a servant-leader is that these skills will contribute to happier, healthier personal and family relationships in addition to creating rewarding friendships with all those with whom you work. Celebrate early and often as you practice these skills. And have the courage to teach what you are working on to one or two trusted friends. We repeatedly hear stories from corporate leaders who teach these skills to their kids who then are grateful to be treated as learning partners and appreciate that their parents are working to improve. Having the courage to be “on the journey” rather than pretending to “have arrived” puts others at ease. None of us are perfect, and learning to turn our problems into learning opportunities is one of the secrets to growing happy, healthy and synergistic teams.
In a recent email from a teenage son of one of our corporate leaders….
“I used to think my dad thought he had all the answers and I was the only one who got corrected and made to look foolish. Then one day he came home from a class on Servant Leadership and asked me to be his learning partner. I didn’t know what to think. But then he showed me a copy of his Action Plan and on it were these goals.
– “Apologize when I err, especially with my kids.”
– “Slow down and do more listening. Don’t do all the talking.”
– “Tell my kids what they are doing right and not just what they need to improve. Let them know how proud of them I am and how much I love them.”
– “Have the courage to ask my son to hold me accountable and not just me always being the one to correct him.”
– “Be a role model and not such a harsh judge.”
We started having very different kinds of conversations. He actually wept when I told him how good it made me feel to get to be his coach. I’m really proud of my dad for having the courage to let me know he falls short and disappoints himself pretty often. It has changed how I feel about letting him know my disappointments and frustrations. I now feel normal about this part of my life instead of feeling like an awkward, geeky kid!”
“The servant views any problem in the world as in here, inside oneself, not out there. And if a flaw in the world is to be remedied, to the servant the process of change starts in here, in the servant, not out there.”
– Robert K. Greenleaf
"Ann's influence on our organization was a critical element in our being recognized as one of the 100 Best Companies to Work For in America."